Posted: May 5th, 2022

“crime and murder cases have increased” since the 1970s.

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The most important one is that I think you’re probably making claims about how games cause violence and how much violence they cause that you just can’t really prove because there isn’t research that directly links video games to violent crimes. Sometimes, you make claims about violent crime rates that just aren’t in line with the information that’s out there. For instance, in your introduction, you suggest that “crime and murder cases have increased” since the 1970s. There’s a lot of research that argues against this: https://www.brennancenter.org/our-work/analysis-opinion/americas-faulty-perception-crime-rates
In that article, it explains that crime rates hit a high around 1990 and have mostly been declining since then.
I think you’ll be safer if you stick to the softer form of the claim, that video games lead to more aggressive behaviors in children. Aggression doesn’t have to lead to murder, but it still matters. Children being more aggressive or less socially adept is still a problem even if it isn’t as obvious of a problem as mass shootings.
I would probably try to reframe the problem as being one about games causing aggression and downplay the idea that games lead to major outbreaks of violence since there is a lot of research to support the idea that games lead to aggression.
The other major issue I see in the paper is organizational. About halfway through the essay, it starts to feel like you’re just adding on new paragraphs as new ideas occur to you, which makes the paper feel a little disjointed. All of your paragraphs have clear topics, but they aren’t ordered in a way that makes the most of their individual points. You don’t have to use it, but I wrote up a rough general outline for this kind of paper: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1mOthIshPquPFOWKfhOBcc5uOYiOb97CKU66X-fjfI7Q/edit?usp=sharing
I think you’ll find that most of your paragraphs will fit into one of the topics in that outline, and you might be able to reorder everything in a way that makes following your points a little easier.
Two other quick things:
1. When you start talking about a new study, it would be a good idea to mention the author’s name or the title as soon as you start so that your reader understands what study you’re discussing and when you shift from one to another. Starting all discussions with “a study” can get confusing.
2. The UMN source is actually a digitized book: https://open.lib.umn.edu/mediaandculture/
I would just cite it using the book’s title since the author isn’t listed, but you probably don’t want to cite it with the website as the author.

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